Category Archives: Politics

South Carolina values: A play in once act

INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM – DAY

A harried, white-haired male TEACHER stands at the front of the classroom. His students are chatting, checking their phones, preening before handheld mirrors, etc. They are mostly caucasian and, judging from their clothing and accessories, wealthy. The bell to start class rings.

Teacher: Good morning class.

The teacher is roundly ignored, and all activities continue as if he doesn’t exist.

Teacher: I’d like to talk about the special election in South Carolina this week.

Crickets.

Teacher: It’s an interesting case. The newly elected Republican congressman is former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford. Mr. Sanford lost his gubernatorial powers in 2009 after he was found in Argentina with a girlfriend when he’d told his wife and staff that he would be hiking the Appalachian trail. It was also discovered that he misused taxpayer funds to take the trip to visit his mistress. And after this particular affair was uncovered, Sanford admitted to being unfaithful previously to his wife, the mother of Sanford’s four sons, on more than just this occasion and with more than just this one mistress. Then, this February, Sanford’s ex-wife filed trespassing charges when she found him breaking into his former home.

He looks around. Seemingly no one is paying attention.

Teacher: It’s often been said by Republicans themselves that  they are the party of “family values.” Yet Republican voters re-elected Louisiana Rep. David Vitter after he was found to be paying for the services of prostitutes. Republicans have repeatedly voted for Sen. John McCain, who cheated on his crippled wife – who had been faithful to him while he was a prisoner of war – to the extent that it so concerned and disgusted President Ronald and Nancy Reagan that the couple refused to continue to socialize with him. Georgia voters elected Newt Gingrich even after he’d filed for divorce while his wife was in the hospital fighting cancer, a divorce which left her and his daughters destitute to the point where they had to rely on their church for assistance. And so on. So can anyone tell me why the voters of South Carolina’s first district, likely people who would consider themselves folks with solid family values, would choose to elect someone who had lied to voters, cheated on his wife repeatedly and misappropriated public funds?

The teacher scans the room. Surprisingly, a hand is up. It is the hand of WALLACE, the lone non-white student in the classroom.

Teacher: Yes?

Wallace: Because South Carolina hates niggaz more than it loves family values. Mark Sanford could have beat his wife, raped his neighbor, killed his preacher, sold crack to Catholic school children, converted to Islam and wore a Georgia Bulldogs sweatshirt for his entire campaign, but in the end, what mattered to South Carolina most was that they elect a good, white male Republican who would go to Washington D.C. and make sure the nigga in charge didn’t get too big a head and think he could just boss around good, white, Southern Christian folks.

Teacher: Anyone else have anything to add?

Another hand raises.

Teacher: Yes?

Student: Is this going to be on the test?

THE END

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Dear Catholic Church

In case you’re wondering, this is what hypocrisy looks like. I’d tell you to look it up in the dictionary, but you probably had to sell all of those to settle the child rape lawsuits.

Hugs and kisses,

Someone not blinded by the light

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We’re getting dumber by the second

"The Wicked Witch is just exercising her constitutional right of pre-emptive self-defense. Plus, Dorothy is from a flyover state. Does anyone really care what happens to her? Really?"

“The Wicked Witch is just exercising her constitutional right of pre-emptive self-defense. Plus, Dorothy is from a flyover state. Does anyone really care what happens to her? Really?”

Last weekend, the Fox News morning show had on Michelle Malkin to defend NRA president Wayne LaPierre’s press conference, followed by a segment explaining how Hollywood – and by extension, President Obama – is to blame for gun violence in America.

I look forward to Fox News morning show this weekend, when one of the flying monkeys will explain what a stand-up gal the Wicked Witch of the West is, right before the segment entitled, “Dorothy: That bitch has it coming (and her little dog, too).”

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It doesn’t matter

This is the face of America’s greatest enemy: The traitors who advocate succession.

It doesn’t matter if you’re black, white, brown, red or yellow.

It doesn’t matter if you’re Republican, Democrat, Socialist, independent or Libertarian.

It doesn’t matter if you’re man or woman.

It doesn’t matter if you’re Catholic, Muslim, Buddhist, Presbyterian, Baptist, Rastafarian, Shinto or Amish.

It doesn’t matter if you’re Irish American, Mexican American, Cuban American, Armenian American, Chinese American or African American.

It doesn’t matter if you’re from a red state, blue state or swing state.

It doesn’t matter if you’re straight or gay.

None of this matters, because if you are advocating succession, then first and foremost you are a traitor.

And that’s all that matters.

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So this one time, I fixed an election

Spring, 1995. The prom king and queen nominees were announced at my high school. It just so happened that one of the nominees was my pal, Mark.

Mark was tall, handsome, athletic. The star defensive end for the football team and a state champion wrestler. A hard partier and a friend to everyone. If it sounds like I had a man crush, I may have. He was kind of Liam Hemsworth before his time.

A group of us that ran together were talking, making fun of “King” Mark. That’s when he said he wasn’t going to prom. He and his girlfriend had gone as juniors, and neither cared to drop the cash to go again. Most of us, Mark’s friends, didn’t have girlfriends or were in the same financial boat, so he wouldn’t have his pals to hang out with, either. One of us said, “What if you’re king?” Response: “I’m still not going.”

A week later, the ballots came out. Brian, Tony and I – all pals of Mark – were in the same senior English class, where we voted. It was a busy day, and the teacher sat the ballots on the corner of her desk and told us to vote when we had a minute.

Glances were exchanged. A bunch of whispering. Shuffling up to the desk. Snag five or six ballots instead of one. Three guys, 15-20 ballots. All votes for Mark.

When class was over, we tracked down a few more of the crew, explained what was up. When they went to senior English, they repeated the dirty trick. In all, we probably fudged 40 or so ballots in our guy’s favor.

Those votes, combined with the people who actually voted legitimately for Mark, put him over the top. We had a big laugh about it.

Except, of course, when those unintended consequences ended up ruining the fun. Bastard consequences.

See, when we’d all cast our vote for Mark, we also had to circle a girl on the ballot. Here, we went at random. We weren’t looking to stack that deck, was the figuring, so we’d spread the votes.

Little thought was given to the girl who actually won, the one who was standing there alone – with no king – when the big moment came. Alone getting her crown, no one for the first dance. That’s bad enough. But, as you can guess by now, dear reader, it wasn’t the class bitch who won the girl’s crown. Oh no. The stunningly beautiful, incredibly nice (even to awkward idiots like us) girl in our class won. We were told she was pretty embarrassed. And that was laid on us, even if no one else knew we’d done it.

Winning wasn’t as … sweet then. What had been intended as a final middle finger to the institution we had no respect for ended up being a middle finger to a wonderful young woman who was collateral damage to our prank, undeserving of what happened to her.

Not one of my finest moments. And that’s why when I hear stories of polls being closed early, people being turned away for voter registration because they don’t look right (i.e. white), and so on and so on, I think about the unintended consequences of such actions. I’m ashamed of myself for helping fix a prom vote. I wonder if the scumbags working so hard to screw people out of their constitutional right to vote for their president have any second thoughts.

I hope so. But I doubt it.

Vote. It matters. Even when it’s for prom king and queen.

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Overrated Shit #3: The two-party system

So Joe goes to the doctor one day. The doc checks him, asks him questions and comes to the conclusion that Joe is probably diabetic. They talk about diet, exercise, possible solutions. Through the course of the conversation Joe comes to tell his doctor, “Well, I probably drink 10-12 cans of Coke a day.” The doctor tells him to cut it out, that with his condition this habit will kill him. “No more Coke.” So Joe, being a good patient, goes home and pours his remaining Cokes down the drain. Then he goes out and buys a 12-pack of Pepsi.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is two-party politics: An exercise in self-delusion and self-destruction.

George W. Bush was the most secretive president ever, started two unnecessary wars, ignored the will of the people in states that legalized pot for sick folks, gave enormous no-bid contracts to all his daddy’s and Dick Cheney’s friends, gave huge tax cuts to all his daddy’s and Dick Cheney’s friends, bailed out his grandpa’s big banking buddies without a thought or a prosecution, and so on.

And so we elected hopey changey Barak Obama … who continued Bush’s secrecy, didn’t stop the Iraq war (we were partially kicked out and still have thousands of troops there), increased prosecution of legal growers of marijuana, decreased prosecutions of financial crimes (to a 20-year low), continues our unnecessary and expensive war in Afghanistan, has not repealed the economic destruction known as the Bush tax cuts and so on.

Coke, meet Pepsi.

I voted for Barak Obama last time. I don’t regret that vote, because no matter what an incredible disappointment he and his entire administration have been, they’re better than the assholes that preceded them and are damn sure better than McCain and his crew would have been.

But that’s not good enough. So he won’t be getting my vote this time. That honor goes to Libertarian Gary Johnson.

I live in Indiana, where we know who is going to win this state: Mitt “I will do anything for money and Mormonism, in that order” Romney. So what is the point of voting for either major party candidate? It’s a wasted voted. The federal government will continue to ignore our state, as do the presidential candidates.

However, let’s say the Johnson took 10 percent of the Indiana vote. That would raise some eyebrows among the Republicrats. Because what is the last thing our two-party douchebags want to do? Share power with anyone other than the douchebags sitting across the aisle from them.

Real change won’t be a fast process. It won’t be an easy process. But if Americans want real change, voting third party is the only option. The Republicrats are bought and paid for. The corruption is so endemic that the only way they will really change is if they have a real fear of losing power.

This is the first step. Vote third party. Do it again in 2016. Do it again in 2020. Keep it up until the Republicrats have something to fear. Vote for change, true change, not promised change that disappears the day after the vote.

Vote for Gary Johnson for president. I will be.

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Muncie city council holds the power to reign in the power

I couldn’t see from where I was sitting, but I’m reasonably certain this guy is on the Muncie City Council.

I attended my first Muncie city council meeting this week. I was there to support restrictions on where and how Indiana Michigan power will locate large substations and how those substations must meld with the surrounding neighborhood. Currently, IMP is hoping to put a football field-size steel wart on Tillotson, just down the street from the huge, metal utility polls they used to uglify the corner of Tillotson and Jackson.

Some observances:

* Is Muncie council member Jerry Dishman a joke? Senile? On crack? Dumber than a box of turds? Seriously, every single time the guy ordered action on business, he was corrected by Linda Gregory and Alison Quirk (and sometimes even more of his fellow council members). On more than one occasion, council members were forced to correct Dishman multiple times on the same action. It was so bad, you’d have thought it was a Saturday Night Live skit. Get the guy out of there. He’s embarrassing, to the city and himself.

* The high-priced Indy lawyer for Indiana Michigan Power should give the kind folks at the utility company their money back. It sounded like the list of reasons he gave for why these new regulations would burden his client was developed while he was taking his pre-meeting piss. Maybe the case was made better in the handouts he gave the council, but for the general audience, he had nothing. The most expensive trip to the urinal ever. Might want to look for new representation, IMP.

* If, over the past several years, your company has scarred the landscape of a city (tree cutting, the aforementioned power pole monstrosities, etc.) AND you’re hoping to do it again, then the person you send to represent your company at a public meeting shouldn’t look like a cross between former U.S. delegate to the U.N./complete douche John Bolton and Boss Hogg. It sets the wrong tone.

* The good news? It looks like the power company ain’t winning this one. The council doesn’t seem inclined to help them ugly up a good-looking neighborhood, and there’s strong local support for the measure. The really good news is that these restrictions won’t just apply to the Tillotson site. This will prevent IMP from doing it’s best to make our city look like ass at any site down the road. If this passes, this may be one of the most sensible measure the local government has enacted in my decade plus in the city.

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Simple explanation for a simpleton

A wise man once said, “Stupid is as stupid does.”

If you say you like Rage Against the Machine but don’t like their leftist politics, you don’t really like Rage Against the Machine.

If you say you embrace the ideology of Ayn Rand but ignore a key component such as atheism, you don’t really embrace the ideology of Ayn Rand.

In each instance, it would be kind of like saying you’re a Christian, but you don’t really care for Jesus all that much.

Dumbass.

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Wrong side of history

Dear The Star Press,

On Father’s Day, when you decided to publish a screed by a known hate group bashing gay parents, you chose to stand on the side of the zeros.

 

 

 

Meanwhile I, and an increasing majority of Americans, choose to stand on the side of heroes.

 

Think about about. Losers.

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More white people doing stupid, racist crap

So local Republicans showed they had a modicum of shame deep down in their hearts by removing the President Obama punching bag from their tent at the Delaware County fair. This gracious act clearly represents what President George W. “Nukular” Bush meant by compassionate conservatism. Way to go, Hoosier honkies.

Think about it this way, though: 50, 60 years ago these same Republicans would have put on their white sheets and gone out and hung a black man. Here, they just had a harmless representation of a black man that folks could whack with one hand while using their other hand to clutch a fried Twinkie.

The Indiana GOP has clearly come a long way in the past half-century. Pat yourselves on the back. Just make sure you’ve finished the Twinkie first.

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